I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
