We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
