Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
