I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
