i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
