My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
