There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
