Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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