I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
this hospital has no fireball
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
