All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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