Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
