just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
you had me at cake vodka
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
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