So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
