I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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