gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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