Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
