i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
