My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
