I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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