He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You're earring is so big in my mouth
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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