Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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