Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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