Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
