i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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