one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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