K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What did we do last night that was yellow?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
