Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
