I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
