I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
