Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
