Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
