I wanna bring you to show and tell
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
