update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
