I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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