it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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