we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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