I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
