Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize