It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
