well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
