Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
