I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
