Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
They have beer where we have blood.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize