she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
