It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize