As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
