Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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