Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I am available for nakedness
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