So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
