So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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