God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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