Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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