dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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