I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
