I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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