Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
