his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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