if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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