I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
