He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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