i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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