Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
