On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
